Author’s Note: The following is a work of fiction. It was written from a need to expel my own crushing fear. I’m fourteen weeks pregnant. Since the day I had my first OB-GYN appointment, I’ve been afraid of getting my blood tests done… because I’m terrified that not only I won’t be pregnant (those who know me personally have seen that I am the image of pregnancy…), but what is giving me the pregnancy symptoms will be something horrible. This has been a recurring nightmare of mine, and I feel like I need to get it off my chest & out of my head somehow.
I’m not pretending to know what its like to receive such news, nor am I trivializing the emotions of those who have lived/are living this. I am simply putting my nightmare to “paper”, in hopes that my fear will be lessened by confronting it in this way. -MoonRaven
You must hear this question so often, you must be immune to is cry by now. Why this, why that, why now, why me?
But I must ask you, Goddess, WHY?!
Why give me hope? Why let me hope, believe, that I was not the failure of my sex. Why lead me to believe that I was finally, truthfully, happy? Whole?
Why would you let me believe that I was full of life, and light, and love? When, in truth, all there was for me, all there EVER was for me, was darkness. And bitterness. And Death.
For many years now, I have believed in you. Loved you. Prayed to you. I have spent the whole of my life giving of myself. Helping those I love, bringing them light and happiness. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?!
Is is reincarnation? Is it some terrible deed done in some other life that makes all the good I’ve done pointless? Is this why birth was replaced by that horrible, ugly word? That terrible, ugly word that brings the timer of what’s left of my life down to nothing?
Dearest Goddess, Mother of Cruelty, your cruelest act of all was to create that useless, teasing emotion called hope.
Goddess, this is my last prayer. Release me from this nightmare, wake me, and make me whole. Let there be life in my belly… Or leave me here in His cold embrace.